Growing up in this world is an innate rite of passage that brings each of us our unique mixture of joy, confusion, excitement, and even a little bit of pain. However, growing up with parents who fall under the narcissist umbrella brings an experience of its own kind — one that's both mentally and emotionally taxing. These types of parents frequently place their own desires ahead of their child, consequently (and oftentimes, purposely) making them feel unloved. In turn, the child may experience difficulties with self-worth and low self-esteem, as well as a persistent need to seek approval from others.
Being raised in an atmosphere characterized by unstable mood swings and emotional manipulation, children could also become either too dependent or self-reliant. Furthermore, it might be challenging for the children of narcissistic parents to establish boundaries, form positive connections, and even communicate their own needs and feelings, even into adulthood. Indeed, growing up with a narcissistic parent can have some damaging and lasting effects on a child’s emotional and psychological well-being, but what exactly does it mean to have a narcissistic parent? We'll find out right here.
Defining the Narcissist Parent
Now, when you hear the term "narcissist", I'm sure the image of a flashy, obnoxious, attention-hungry person that obsessively seeks the spotlight comes to mind. However, at it's core, narcissism is way more than overly inflated egos and constant bragging. In fact, narcissism is a trait that can be brought on by various factors — oftentimes trauma-related — and makes the person display unsavory characteristics such as a lack of empathy, severe preoccupation with their own reputation and achievements, and a dire need to seek admiration from others, which they accomplish by manipulating everyone they come across into believing they're a good-natured person. Narcissism also exists on a spectrum, ranging from a "tolerable" annoying personality trait, to so extreme that it is even classified as its own medical disorder — Narcissistic Personality Disorder (or NPD, for short). Unfortunately, those of us who have experienced being raised by narcissists know that they almost always seem to fall on the more extreme end.
In terms of their children, narcissists don't see individual humans with their own wants, needs, and rights, but only as beings that are extensions of themselves, free to manipulate and use as tools in order to try and achieve their own selfish desires. How much value each child holds in the narcissist's eyes is primarily based on how well each child caters to the narcissist's will, as well as how willing they are to be molded into the narcissist's exact replica. But let's dive a bit deeper into some of the common complex patterns of growing up with narcissistic parents, shall we?
Facets of Narcissistic Parenting
1. Pursuit of Perfection
Narcissistic parents will often obsessively push their children to be 'perfect' due to the fact that they see their children purely as sentient tools they could vicariously live through. They imagine and prefer their children to be successful, beautiful, intelligent, and, well...perfect. All they really desire is the bragging rights that come along with these achievements, just so they could feel like they have somehow established more in life than others, although the achievements aren't even their own. This also explains why they often react so negatively whenever the children achieve some type of success they don't consider to be 'acceptable.'
2. Emotional Neglect
Being too self-absorbed with fulfilling their own needs, narcissists will very rarely try and comprehend the needs of their children. Attention, bonding time, and emotional care — all of which are cornerstones for healthy childhood development, will unfortunately not be accounted for in a home run by narcissists. From time to time, there may be some affection and doting shown, but it will most likely be done in front of an audience to portray an image of a wonderful parent, or at least is done on an extremely superficial and manipulative scale.
3. Unpredictable Reactions
Perhaps the most devastating of the common patterns of narcissistic parenting is unpredictability. Narcissists can go from nice and friendly, to completely cold and dismissive without a good —or really any— reason at all. This is especially confusing for a child to understand, and majorly contributes to them eventually becoming emotionally dependent on others.
The Impact of Growing Up with Narcissistic Parents
Interacting with parents who happen to be narcissists can be extremely difficult in a multitude of ways. It is especially stressful and painful for children to navigate, as they struggle to understand why the affection they receive from the narcissist is conditional and inconsistent. As mentioned above, this leaves a negative emotional impact, and often leads to feelings of worthlessness, as well as other issues.
Rising Above the Difficulties
While growing up under such circumstances can be traumatic, it's important to note that there are ways to manage and overcome all the trauma received due to your parents. Methods such as engaging with a caring professional to help guide you through your experiences with the narcissistic parent, or even indulging in self-care and building up your self-esteem can help one learn to effectively combat their upbringing and work towards a healthier mindset.
Final Thoughts
A person's upbringing is an integral part of shaping their identity. Although being raised by narcissists poses its own set of harsh challenges (which I am quite familiar with, myself), remember that these circumstances don't define who you are. You are worth more than the environment you were raised in. It may have influenced your past, but don't let it shape your future. Grow, heal, and break the cycle of pain and hurt. Most importantly, know that you are not alone in your experience. There are many of us who are currently walking this path. But it's important to cherish the strength you're gaining throughout, and the person you're blossoming into. Have faith and believe that once you're finally off this path, you'll never have to walk it again.
Takeaway Verse:
Psalm 27:10: "Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me."