Imagine having a narcissistic parent — a person with a lack of empathy and an obnoxious sense of self-importance, a craving for excessive admiration and power, and a need to dim the light of those they feel they can't manipulate or control — constantly finding ways to pit you and your sibling against each other, all while sadistically reaping the benefits. In the meantime, you and your sibling remain mostly unaware of the levels of puppet mastery taking place.
The golden child is the one flanked by favoritism, often becoming a narcissistic parent's trophy and protégé; they feed the narcissist's ego, reinforce their sense of grandeur, and eventually may even act as an extension of the narcissist. The parent showers the golden child with praise, gifts, attention, and adulation.
In contrast, the parent assigns the scapegoated child the antagonist role. This child is invariably blamed for every little thing, criticized, ignored, and even abused. The parent projects their negative self-image, insecurities, and failures onto the scapegoat. Despite their best attempts, the scapegoat often falls short in their parents' eyes.
But why are there such polarizing roles set up within a family ran by narcissists? It all boils down to the narcissist's need to control and manipulate to serve their needs. They create an ideal livelihood worth striving for and a fearsome consequence everyone seeks to avoid, thus maintaining their control over the family dynamics.
These relationship dynamics take root early in the siblings' lives. A narcissistic parent might choose the quiet, obedient, or overachieving child as the golden one, fulfilling their ideal of perfection. They may assign the scapegoat role to the rebellious, assertive or empathetic child who challenges their authority, disrupting their narcissistic display.
Interestingly enough, being the golden child is not synonymous with a blessed life. Though not necessarily on a conscious level, this child has a fear of failing and ultimately becoming a castaway, just like their scapegoated sibling. Due to this, they strive to be absolutely perfect in their narcissist parent's eyes, losing their individuality and self-worth in the process. They also can become quite narcissistic themselves, entangled in the quest for constant approval and adulation.
The scapegoat, on the other hand, ironically ends up being the healthier and better-adjusted one in the long run. They confront the parent's narcissism, developing resilience, self-reliance and emotional independence; although this can be a rough, lonely journey to process, it often leads to stronger self-awareness and mental strength.
So, how does one navigate these dynamics? For the scapegoat, it is about understanding their worth and trusting their instincts. For the golden child, it's about seeing beyond the exaltation from their narcissist parents; realizing and embracing their own inherent worth. And for the sibling relationship, it's about empathizing with each other's roles and being willing to break these toxic dynamics once and for all.
Final Thoughts
With enough patience, resilience, and understanding, it's possible to navigate and survive the damaging dynamics narcissistic parents created between the golden child and the scapegoat. While the consequences of growing up in such an environment can be debilitating, understanding these dynamics can be the first step in breaking destructive patterns and moving towards developing healthier relationships. Ultimately, it teaches us that love should not be a trophy to be won or a punishment to be avoided but should instead be an unconditional bond, fostering growth and self-worth.
Takeaway Verse:
Galatians 6:2: "Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."