The Mask of Covert Narcissism
Narcissistic parents love to present a facade of perfection in public. This is particularly true of covert narcissists, a type of narcissist who is characterized by a constant craving for recognition and praise that is often hidden behind a mask of modesty. This form of narcissism is more difficult to spot to untrained eyes, since these individuals assume a more humble and easy-going demeanor, but they are driven by the same self-centered motivations, perhaps even more so than their overt counterparts.
In particular, covert narcissists leverage this public image as a shield to hide their insidious nature and create a narrative of being misunderstood or underappreciated. For instance, such a parent may publicly and proudly tout all the sacrifices they made for the family, all whilst neglecting their children’s emotional needs in private.
The Paradox of a Covert Narcissist Parent’s Personality
Contrary to an overt narcissist’s unabashed display of arrogance, covert narcissism exhibits a blend between superiority and victimhood. This contradiction of personality traits fuels the inconsistency between a narcissistic parent's public and private demeanor.
The narcissistic parent thrives on projecting and maintaining the narrative of being a selfless, loving parent. This public demonstration of parental devotion frequently contrasts with the realities that their kids face in the confines of their own home. Public displays of warmth and affection are all of a sudden replaced by criticism, apathy, or emotional blackmail. Private exchanges may entail psychological manipulation techniques like gaslighting, criticizing the child's accomplishments, or setting unrealistically high expectations that the narcissist believes the child will never achieve.
The truth is that this is all due to the psychological underpinnings that underline Narcissist Personality Disorder. What narcissists lack in themselves (empathy, unconditional love, emotion...), they will viciously seek it out in others, and they have mastered all sorts of manipulative tactics in order to get others to view them as nothing but absolutely good.
Think about it, nobody would want to hang out with them, or believe a narcissist is as great as they portray themselves to be if they were always their true selves around everyone they interact with. A narcissist's unstable concept of self requires external validation to maintain their ego. Despite the impression that they are self-assured and confident, this is not at all how they truly feel.
Because pretending to be something you're not can get pretty exhausting, the narcissist makes sure to keep a (human) outlet around, where could be their true hideous selves without much fear of backlash. This could be their partner, coworker, or in this case, their child or children. Unfortunately, the kids bear the brunt of the narcissist's true personality while at home, and because the narcissist works overtime in order to appear as the ideal parent, a child speaking up and seeking help might only make the child seem ungrateful or delusional to outsiders, playing right into the narcissist's hands.
Final Thoughts
A narcissist sees every social interaction as a chance to find a person who will support them in their endeavor to be seen as superior to others and to increase their own sense of self-worth. You can't worry about what other people think of the narcissist since they are only meeting them on an extremely superficial level. What matters most is that you are aware of their true nature. You know the narcissist more than everyone else does, because you were raised by them. The knowledge you have on them is not a crutch, but potentially a shield, one that can be used to guard you from any more of the emotional wreckage that a narcissistic parent could potentially induce. Remember, growing up with a narcissistic parent is not a permanent story; it's merely a chapter in life that you've lived through.
Takeaway Verse:
Philippians 4:7: "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."